Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Daddy, What's Courage?

"Daddy, what's courage?"

She has such a cute little face when she asks questions like that.

Of course, her face is always cute, but especially so when she's inquisitive.

Tonight while praying with Brooke before she goes to bed, I asked God to give her courage for several things.

After we were done and I was starting to leave, she asked me that question.

I explained that courage is when we're afraid of something, but we get strong and do it anyway even though we're afraid.

I offered her up some examples of what courage would be. If her mommy saw a spider and didn't scream and run away, but went and took care of it herself. Or for Brooke it would be having strength to sleep in the dark and not be scared.

I tried to give an example of what courage would be like for me.

And I couldn't.

It's not because I don't have things I'm afraid of...far from it. But I couldn't think of anything off the top of my head that I thought would be appropriate to share with her at the time. And so I gave her 2 examples instead of 3. Because I choked up.

After I left, I started to think of what courage would look like coming from me.

See, my greatest fear is rejection. That I will put myself out there, my deepest desires, thoughts, abilities, and fears. That I'll bear my soul to someone that I trust...and that it won't be good enough.

So I don't put myself out there.

I wall up.

Even at seemingly innocuous things like putting forth detailed plans to solve a problem. I put a part of myself into it, and I'm so crippled by my anticipation of rejection that I intentionally do it half-heartedly. I reason that if I don't put all of myself into what I'm doing or saying, then when this eventually is rejected, I won't have invested enough into it that it will be painful.

So courage for her daddy would be for him to stop being afraid of how others will react.

To trust that burdens that God has put on my heart have been put there for a reason. To believe that the aspirations and visions I have are for some higher purpose than to make me look good.

To not wall up, to answer things honestly and fully. To not hold back about investing myself.

Courage is for daddy to trust God in the face of his fear.

Courage is for me to get over my pride and to give it everything I have.

To say what I think, to do what my heart says.

Courage is to do something about it.

Courage.... to say what I think ... do what my heart says.
Apologize, have no fear! And do not forget, do not need to have many muscles!